Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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