Betty ford says i'm here all night
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
