It's a beautiful day for a hangover
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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