Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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