so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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