Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Sorry about my life...
Randomize
