Joe is yelling at the trees again.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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