I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Randomize
