On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
