True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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