I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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