The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I lost the right to judge tonight
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
