I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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