he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
