I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
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