Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
