I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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