I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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