He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
