Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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