Everything about him screamed your future.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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