Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
