he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
