well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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