I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
