so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
