Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
