Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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