Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
