I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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