Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
