I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
