bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Why is your signature on my underwear?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
