He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
