3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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