just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
