I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize