And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
