Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
God I need to hump something, right now.
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