we have officially lost it.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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