Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
