how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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