How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
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