Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
