my room smells like sperm. sweet.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
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I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
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we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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