I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
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they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
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I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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