don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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