I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
