Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
