We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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