Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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