how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
She just used a chaser for red wine.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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