i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY