she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?