carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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