Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Randomize
