He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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