So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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