I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
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