It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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