shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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