I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
