the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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